I signed up for a popular dating site last week. Can you guess which one based on the title of this post?
Some things I’ve learned about this newfangled online dating situation (hi, apparently I’m writing this from the year 2003) and it’s only been a couple of days:
1) Getting your PROFILE rejected by hugely popular dating site isn’t the best way to start things off. And they don’t tell you WHY you need to rewrite it, they just list reasons that range from You stupidly listed your home address to You are a prostitute in disguise. It turned out to be rejected because I said the word “shit” in my profile which I was all defensive about until my sister was like, “WHY would you talk about ‘shit’ in your profile?” I conceded her point and then let it go.
3) My coupled-up girlfriends are really excited about this endeavor. Probably more excited about it than I am because they get to pick over profiles with me and I actually have to go out with people.
2) Well, HELLO defense-mechanism-based-humor. It’s been so very long since we’ve seen each other. Had I known that by putting myself “out there” so publicly, that seeking this very vulnerable position would cause you to erupt from within me like the old dragon in Gringotts Bank*, I would’ve chained myself to a radiator before hitting “Submit Profile.”
3) Alarming: So many of these guys’ profiles look exactly the same. Dude in backwards baseball hat. Likes sports bars, “diet and exercise” and Seinfeld reruns. If you lean toward Bro-town for your dating needs, run, don’t walk to Match.com. (Did I ruin the surprise? Sorry about that.)
4) For the girls out there- if you looked at a guy’s profile and he listed “cuddling” as one of his favorite activities, do you automatically cough “ass-kisser” or is that just me?
5) Really? You’re 37 years old and your range for a girl starts at EIGHTEEN? Was that merely an oversight? Because ew. And no.
As you can see, this is going to be a disaster. And I would apologize for the uncharacteristically cynical tone of this post but see #2. And just for a dash of hopefulness, I will say that a couple of guys actually made me clasp my hands in joy as bird twirled and sang overhead.
*It’s time to play “Count the references that make me still single!” Winner gets s custom-made Spinsters Forever kit and a very used copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary.