South Beach Redux


My mother called me about a week ago with a request- would I do the South Beach diet with her?

ollie_small8Other daughters might immediately fall into a total mind spiral over this- “Is she saying I need to go on a diet?” But my mom knows my stance on dieting, knows that I’ve given up the war. Really, she asked because, frankly, I kick ass on the South Beach diet. I’m super strict about those first two weeks. She wants me to do it with her because I’ll help her stay on track.

At least, that’s the line I’ve fed myself.

At first, I said no. No, no, no. I’d given up that life- the weighing, the counting, the agonizing. I’ve played the yo-yo game since I was fourteen years old and I’ve finally gotten to a place of acceptance and happiness with my relatively healthy, 160 lb body. I cook fresh food, I exercise. I enjoy food. I enjoy bread. I’m actually pretty sure bread and I are MFEO. I had no desire to revisit that part of my life.

The original South Beach babes. If I could wear a bathing suit like that and be called sexy, we wouldn't be in this mess.

The original South Beach babes. If I could wear a bathing suit like that and be called sexy, we wouldn't be in this mess.

And then I felt guilty. “This isn’t about you,” I chastised myself over a few Golden Girls reruns and a bottle of wine. “She asked you for help, that’s all. This doesn’t have to be a big deal.” So I called her up and told her I’d do it but on two conditions- I would not weigh myself. And I would do it for a month, that’s all.

So today is Day 1. For the uninitiated, South Beach requires you to strip away all carbs and sugar for two full weeks. Basically, you have to eat lean meat (chicken, fish, turkey, etc.), eggs and vegetables, with one serving of dairy a day. And no, you don’t get to eat bacon three times a day. Or giant slabs of steak smothered in butter.

I’ve done this sucker at least five times and I know the drill. I know that by the third day, I won’t even remember bread’s name. We’ll pass each other on the street and I won’t have the urge to take a hunk out of its shoulder or tackle it to the ground and smother it with peanut butter. Or toast it and place a sunny-side up egg on top, maybe with a slice of bacon or… ok, I need to stop.

Like I said, day three will be easy. But this is Day 1. Wish me luck.

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3 Responses to South Beach Redux

  1. P. says:

    I just fell off the South Beach Diet wagon this weekend. It was a bad scene. FOUR cookies. This is what happens when I deprive myself.

  2. Karen says:

    Good luck! I tried that a few years back, but don’t eat eggs, so I was eating string cheese for breakfast. Not cool. Remember lots of water! đŸ˜‰

    Maybe as a reward for being great for a whole month, you guys can actually go to South Beach!

  3. thecreme says:

    P – four cookies? You beast. I ate four cookies while writing that sentence.

    Karen – string cheese is my lifeline. And goat cheese. And Brie. And yes, I think that destination: South Beach is essential for any diet plan.

    Ollie – are you INSANE. You don’t need to lose weight, but if you think you do, South Beach will never keep the weight off. Why punish yourself? Read French Women Don’t Get Fat. Eat only unprocessed foods. And not too much. If you absolutely need to count calories, join for FREE. It tells you exactly how many calories you need.

    You’re breaking my heart with this nonsense.

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