Dear Mr. Soon-To-Be President,
I know, I know, Christmas is over. But, Santa can only do so much. And frankly, this year, he fell asleep at the switch. Retail sales are tragically low, and this affects many of my friends who are being forced to close their doors. We fashionistas don’t need much, but the ability to both accessorize and put food on the table is kind of critical to Holiday Cheer.
It seems that YOU, Mr. S.T.B. Prez, are the man with the plan. Or at least you had a plan when you were running. We know everyone has got their hands out, now that you’ve sealed the deal. Nevertheless, we’ve compiled a tidy little list for you:
1. Universal Healthcare for every American. This should not be difficult. I don’t care how you do it. How much longer can the American ego take France doing one more thing better than us? There is just no reason, NO REASON, that half of my family is uninsured because they have jobs that don’t include benefits. Or that my mom recently got a bill for $30K because she is self-employed, has to pay out of pocket for shit insurance, and my little brother’s appendix had the ill-timed fate of bursting right before Christmas. This is a no brainer. Get all socialist on us if you must, but FIX THIS ONE.
2. Cars that run on compost.You boldly pledged to spend $150 Billion on alternative energy R&D, and this is the reason I donated to your campaign. Now I know that in the past few months, the collective American wallet has felt a squeeze that could juice an orange, but don’t let this derail your dream. I say, shoot for the stars and we might end up fueling a trip to Mars on the plastic bottle waste that is currently floating in our oceans. If Doc could do it back in 1985, I really think this is within your grasp.
3. A foreign policy that reflects our values, not our rapacious need for oil. Instead of playing footsie with Saudi Princes like all of your modern predecessors, howsabout not making BFF with countries that treat women like property and punish rape victims.
While we’re at it, can we re-think the strategy on this whole “War on Terror” thing? There are bad people all around the globe, no doubt. But launching unmanned drone attacks into wedding parties to kill one suspected terrorist also kills 30 civilians, and – oops! – creates about 100 more anti-American terrorist wannabes in the Muslim world. Surely you and your band of braniacs over at the Defense and State Departments can come up with a better plan than this Kick-the-Beehive foreign policy?
4. Attitude adjustments for DMV and Postal Service workers. This may be the most challenging request on our list. But, MAN. They’ve got cushy government jobs, benefits, are not nearly as in danger of being axed as the rest of us private sector monkeys, and have totally sweet hours. Would a smile and a little hup-to really kill them?
5. Free college tuition. Again, not meaning to reference France again, but WTF? They pay for students all the way up through the Sorbonne. They probably have amazing cafeteria food, too.
College education is swiftly becoming a perk for the rich in this country and our future cannot afford to have education as only a luxury. I know, Mr. S.T.B. Prez, half this country would hoot and howl at the idea of tax increase to pay for this, but you’ve got some serious political capital right now, so you’re going to have to hup-to and start using it where it matters. Everyone will stop bitching when they realize that the money they invested in the stock market to pay for their kids’ college is gone anyway.
6. No tolerance for the intolerant. I suppose it’s a good idea to starting mending bridges, reaching across the aisle, yadda yadda. I have a good amount of friends who voted for the other guy/gal and most of them have expressed well-wishes for your upcoming presidency. I know deep down that it is in all our best interests for you to rise to be the president to all Americans, not just those who voted for you and gave you money. But Rick Warren for the inauguration invocation? Really? You already kind of screwed the gays in California by gracing the cover of anti-gay fliers that circulated in my state. Prop 8 passed by a pretty small margin, a margin your anti-gay marriage stance may have had something to do with. Rick Warren has done some good stuff, but comparing gays to pedophiles is not one of them. Here’s what you can do to fix this little snafu: End “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” in the military.
If gay men and women are willing to risk their lives for you and your foreign policies-to-be, you better damn well show them the same respect afforded to other service -men and -women. This is an absolutely bullshit policy who’s time has passed. Use some of that aforementioned political capital to throw your weight behind the LBGT community who helped get your cute buns into office.
See, Mr. S.T.B. Prez, you are not nearly as quotable or mockable as the last guy. You speak with ease and vocabulary, see the world in shades of grey, and have a nuanced understanding of world events. Basically, you are boring as all get-up. While this is great for the country, and the world, it is horrible for late night political satire. We don’t want these two to go belly up like the rest of us, so first in your jobs plan is to make sure Colbert & Stewart have a cushy landing until comedy picks up. Put these two brilliant knuckleheads in the Press office, so at least we will be able to enjoy their reassuring snark on a daily basis. You would draw a whole new generation of viewers to your daily briefings, reigniting an interest in politics not seen since the draft. That kind of citizen political involvement would do wonders for this country, and help keep a hawk-like watch on the white house activities that the administrations of the past several decades could have used. Only one stipulation, you have to promise to release them from their duties in time for the kick off of Palin 2012. I will really not be able to stomach it without the Daily Show and Colbert Report.
Unless our readers have anything else to add, Mr. S.T.B. Prez, that is all for now.
With fondness and hope for the future,
Your fans at Creme de la Mode
Oh and P.S., you work for us now, so lets get moving. The interns can show you where the photocopier is.