Real Time With Ollie Oof

Things that are happening RIGHT NOW (and by right now I mean “as I’m writing this.” When you read this, it will all be in the past. Obviously.)

There’s a giant horsefly in my house. Is there anything more maddening than a horsefly beating itself repeatedly against your window? I’m going to go ahead and blame my stuffed hamburger, currently residing on the windowsill next to my desk, for all of this. The fly is confused by the presence of my stuffed hamburger, as are most people. My once roommate/best friend for example. Even though our LA apartment was a modpodge of the ridiculous (plastic swords on the wall, the ever present post-college sombrero, sailor hats, toys, thrift store portraits of random people), she never understood the extent of my love for the stuffed hamburger, which I found in a toy bin at Goodwill and made me laugh really hard. At Christmas I would stick it between the branches of our tree like an enormous ornament. She would shake her head, as if she could talk with a pirate patch over her right eye (we went through a lengthy pirate stage. Living with her was a lot like living in Pee Wee’s Playhouse.)

Oh, my God, I can’t believe I just found it online. This is the best day of my life. Ok, here it is.

What’s ironic and awesome is that MY hamburger lacks the lettuce, tomato and cheese which is exactly as I prefer my burgers in real life. It’s like this stuffed hamburger was meant for me really.

I can’t believe I’ve never talked about it on this blog before. It’s really one of my favorite things ever. I mean, the purpose of a stuffed animal or toy is it’s something to cuddle and play with. Who cuddles with ground beef on a sesame bun? Oh, that’s right- I DO. I can’t wait to pass it along to my children one day. Can’t you just see little Ollie dragging it to kindergarten?

***Update. I just attacked the fly with a giant roll of paper towels. On my way to kill it (which resulted in me smashing the paper towel roll around my shelf and knocking everything over like an ogre in an antique store) I noticed a daddy long legs on the wall above my desk. So I killed that too. A bug massacre in my home office. I should feel guilty and sad about this but I don’t. I feel like this.

OK. So to recap. Horsefly. Stuffed hamburger. Death. Braveheart. I think I hit all the typical Creme points for the day. I’m going to go lay down now.

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2 Responses to Real Time With Ollie Oof

  1. Dan Cheek says:

    This is, perhaps, the most in-depth blog post ever written about a stuffed hamburger.

  2. Buck says:

    Now, I’m hankerin’ for a stuffed fillet mignon, with some stuffed potatoes, stuffed garlic bread and maybe some stuffed asparagus, to cuddle with.

    Ya know, daddy long legs eat mosquitoes… You should feel bad… Some bugs are our friends…

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