Here’s The Thing

Let’s just get this out of the way so I can rest. I know I’m too old to be talking about this. Moving on…

Why This Worked:

– Before there was “hot geek” there was geek-geek. Awkward. Bad dressers. Makes you want to crawl under your couch until their scene is over.

– There is no such thing as “hot girl geek” these days unless you count Tina Fey and this is high school so no doubt Tina Fey was eating in a bathroom somewhere, vowing her revenge someday like the rest of us. Andrea Zuckerman would never be hired for a teen soap today and would this show be the same without Andrea Zuckerman? I think not.

– This is what happens when you cast Men to play Boys. The men are hot. The boys are, well, just boys. And yes, it’s ridiculous to believe Ian Ziering is sixteen in this picture but I believed it back then and that’s all that matters.

– Slumber parties, homecoming dances, writing for the school paper, getting the same dress for the Spring Fling. This really is high school for us normal people. It’s called “relateablility.” Ever hear of it?

Why This Won’t Work

– All of these people are cooler than you. Even the new Cindy Walsh is cooler than you. Actually, which one of these girls is supposed to be the mom in this picture? My mom doesn’t shop at Forever 21. I don’t think I could accept her grounding me with a straight face if she did.

– The hottest guy is a teacher who could’ve totally passed for the teenage heartthrob this show desperately needs. When Dylan McKay first showed up, admit it, your heart dropped down into your shoes. And am I supposed to buy that the only awkward geek they’ve thrown at us is the hot son of a porn producer? Seriously? Don’t you remember when that summer passed and you suddenly realized how cute David is? This poor guy’s got nowhere to go but down.

– Can you imagine these girls at a slumber party at your house? Ok, maybe the squeaky Annie (who needs to tone it down a notch. Unless it turns out she’s actually on uppers which would be an awesome reveal and very much in the campy vein of the original) but the other two? Note to the powers-that-be: you CAN find pretty girls who resemble more the teen queens we went to school with than Paris Hilton’s tarty little sisters. It is possible. (I can’t believe I just said ‘tarty.’)

– You can’t be afraid to give us ridiculous over cool. Look, Gossip Girl wins ok? Accept it. If you want to cash in on the glorious staying power of the original, you gotta give us high drama. Force them to do things like exchange an egg at a convenience store for a party locale, stop their pyschotic girlfriends from torching their homecoming float, thwart a rapist by yelling “Dave!”, put the queen bee herself into situations that involve her getting addicted to drugs, set on fire, trapped in a car with her stalker, raped, shot, etc. etc. Sex alone isn’t going to cut it. And for the love of God, hire some people we recognize.

That is all.

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2 Responses to Here’s The Thing

  1. Kari says:

    “Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates!” That’s all you need to know about the pristine beauty of the original.

    Of the redux? I’m blinded by legs!

  2. Pingback: » Blog Archive » another take on 90210

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