It’s Not Holiday Related But…

I cannot stop listening to this song. Seriously, it’s a problem.

Also, ALSO- did I ever tell you, world at large, that at some point in the last few years, I’ve been put on some kind of mailing list for the- well, let’s just say very-advanced-aged? Because I have. Not a day goes by where I don’t get literature in my mail about those scooter-wheelchair things, AARP, Medicare, nursing homes, financial planning seminars for people who have already blown their retirement etc.  I usually don’t care, it’s USUALLY funny that I’m tricked into opening something that reads, “Ms. Cutrone, turning 85 is an important milestone…” In fact, I was more than ready to snag that free meal at Maggiano’s, promised if I sat through yet another “So You’ve Spent Your Retirement Fund Already” seminar. I mean, why not?

But THIS is the last straw. Imagine coming home, opening up a nice little embossed card- expecting a Thank you note perhaps, a little invitation. And instead- “Ms. Cutrone, have you ever [respectfully, thoughtfully, oh-so-carefully-worded] considered cremation?”

The mail apparently thinks my age has advanced to the point where I need to start considering where to put my remains. While I’m not there yet, I’m certainly reconsidering what to do with my mail.

I miss the days where I could just imagine myself flying around on one of those scooters.

[NOTE: In the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I MAYBE took advantage of this situation a few weeks ago and subscribed to Time, who offered me a $5 subscription for the whole year considering my status as a senior citizen- and the fact that apparently they believed I wouldn't live to see the end of the year anyway. Come on- $5 for a weekly magazine! That's gold, Jerry. GOLD!]

So I’m “Re-Gifting”. Sue me.

Full disclosure: This post is appearing on my work blog for The Ritz-Carlton Residences, Chicago this afternoon but it’s a good post and I thought you’d benefit from my wisdom. Also, it leaves me more time to actually do my Christmas shopping (on Etsy) during my precious lunch hour. Everybody wins!

There will be no “Bah-humbug-ing” around here when it comes to this time of year. No whining about “commercialism” and “materialism” and all that jazz-ism. I, for one, see absolutely nothing wrong with the gift-giving aspect of the holiday season.

When done right, that is. A lazy gift, purchased purely for the sake of giving a gift (a gift card, a cheap bottle of wine, a knick-knack you pull off your own shelf) is purely wasteful- a waste of your time, your money and, ultimately, any goodwill you might’ve fostered with a more thoughtful, considerate present. The holidays is a wonderful opportunity to present something meaningful to the special people in your life- to really think about who they are, what they would enjoy and what will truly touch them.

I suppose we could’ve gone the usual blog route and presented our own Gift Guide for the 2009 holiday season but, really, why bother when there are so many gorgeous ones already out there. Personally, I’d rather be shopping. Here are three Gift Guides that are getting it right this holiday season.

Gift Guide: “How To Spend It”

Source: The Financial Times

Why We Love It: Most gift guides stick to the tried-and-true “For Him/Her” layout and while “How to Spend It” allows you to browse that option, you could also check out their luxury offerings through categories such as “Art & Collecting”, “Health & Grooming” etc. Plus, the gifts themselves are high-end, elegant and timeless. As long as you don’t mind mentally converting pounds to dollars.

Gift Guide: “Etsy’s Holiday Guides”

Source: Etsy.com

Why We Love It: Because there are people out there who are making truly gorgeous things. Because you can finally, finally be rest-assured that the gift you’re giving is truly “one-of-a-kind.” And because the online bazaar community is sure to handle your holiday requests (special gift-wrapping, handwritten notes, careful packaging) with delicacy and attention. Can you really say that about Overstock.com? Plus, Etsy’s in-depth Gift Guide page is detailed enough to make browsing a snap.

Gift Guide: “The Gift List ‘09″

Source: New York Magazine

Why We Love It: New York Magazine’s guide features some truly clever ideas, including a nifty “100 Under $100″ section that’s ideal for stocking stuffers, an area specifically dedicated to charitable giving ideas, and a brilliant “You Ask, We Find” section where polled readers tell New York Magazine what they would like this year and are rewarded with a thoughtful suggestion from the editors. How thoughtful.

The Great Blogging Casting Call

What if the lives of our favorite bloggers were brought to the Big Screen? (Go with it. It’s already been a long day and I’m determined to do something goddamn whimsical.)

Who: Deb from Smitten Kitchen, deliciously played by Ricki Lake.

Why: Similiar infectious smiles, plus we know Ricki appreciates food

(I mean that in the best possible way- nothing but love for you, Ricki. You’ll always be the only Tracy Turnblad for me)

Who: Heather Armstrong of Dooce, played by hot-model-twin Amber Valetta.

Why: Oh, gee. Maybe for all the times I’ve muttered to myself, “Why is Dooce dancing with Kevin James in this movie?”

Which just goes to show you how much time I spend on the Internet. Oiy.

Who: Jenny of The Bloggess, played oh-so-winningly by former Full House star Jodie Sweetin

Why: Both blond, both sweet-as-pie looking.

And, oh yes, because Jodie was a major meth-head. Clearly necessary for someone who’ll need to speak “Jenny”.

A Letter to India

*Cones is currently in India for the month and I’ve been meaning to write to her and, yet, only have time during my lunch break to do either a letter or a blog post. Two birds, you have met your doom.

Flickr Photo Credit: Emerald2810

Dear Cones,

Greetings from America! After your years in Okinawa (Sweet Jesus on a Battleship, has it been years since I’ve seen that red hoodie of yours?) and now your time wandering through India as a one-person blonde circus (for the sole reason that you are blonde), I think you’re in for some serious culture shock. Like that time the guy friend of mine from college came back from a week in the bush in Australia and started commenting on how ludicrously bright our TV was (we are no longer friends). But, you know, legitimately.

I could go into the big news (Obama’s sending 30,000 troops into Afghanistan, it’s World AIDs Day and it looks like Google is bleeding) or a diatribe about the weather (it’s supposed to snow on Thursday, our first of the Chicago winter season) and the fact that the heat in my apartment is blowing COLD AIR. But, instead, let’s hit on some points that are important to ME.

1. Alec Baldwin says he’s going to quit 30 Rock in 2012. Judi reports back that she plans to be devastated in 2012.

2. They have made yet ANOTHER movie where a girl goes on a road trip to find her intended and ends up falling in love instead with some random stranger she meets on the way. I will probably still see it in the movie theater.

3. I don’t know if heard this but a few months ago Kanye West made an ass of himself at the MTV Video Awards, all over Beyonce’s Single Ladies video which, I’ll remind you, was inspired by my YouTube sensation. This is not a time-sensitive matter but I thought I should bring it up as it’s been a while since I reminded the Internet that I’m a pop culture genius and not to be trifled with (Alec Baldwin. Sob.)

4. This site is amazing. Dads in Shorts.

Anyway, we miss you around here. I hope you’re doing well and learning all sorts of interesting things about the global food/environment crisis, the kinds of earth-shattering facts that will no doubt horrify me during the McClellan/Texas Reunion in Spokane, Summer 2010 but somehow still not deter me from eating my way through the Pacific Northwest.

Love,

Judi

Spokane, WA

This afternoon I was struck with the strangest urge. An urge to traverse Flickr for photos of Spokane, WA.

Photo Credit: RDEshadow

So bizarre, these random urges.

Photo Credit: Taminsea

Let’s see, what could be the reason.

Photo Credit: kla4067

The weather?

Photo Credit: Heather Stokes Photography

The mountains?

Photo Credit: Chrisnyc

Water so clear you could see your own happy, “we’re in Spokane!” smile?

Photo Credit: sagebrush_photography

The soon-to-be-residency of two people you happen to adore?

Nah. That can’t be it. Dammit, this is going to bug me all day…

The Numbers in Novel Writing

Last night, I sat down in front of my computer and stared at the page number of my new book (I love saying “my new book”. I would say that’s my favorite aspect of having finished the first book, this ability to talk like this is “just something I do now.” That and say more things “in quotations.”)

I sat and stared for about five minutes. I’ve hit 170 pages. I’m in the dread middle now, yes sir. I’m Michael Corleone in Italy and I’ve got to figure out a way back to New York. I wish it was as exciting as that. What it’s really about is procrastination. The end is nowhere in sight, not for a while. With no deadline, with no one waiting to read it, typing The End is sometimes all I have to go on. And it’s just too damned far away to be an incentive.

Finally, I grabbed a post-it and a pen and wrote down a bunch of numbers, a few rough calculations. If I write three pages a day, three nights a week (which is what I’ve been doing), I will finish the book in six months. S.I.X. Months. Now faced with that number, I immediately turn to my calendar. I look for days, for time. If I do eighteen pages a week instead of a paltry, pathetic, INEXCUSABLE nine, I can finish The Witches Sib in three months. February. The light will show up in the middle of winter. I can do that, I think. I have to do that.

I stuck the post-it up on the screen, a jumble of numbers and 6 mos in the corner. The number is too big, far too big. But it just might be the right size, the one I need to get me home.

In Which I Risk Alienating You Forever

Cal: Okay, okay, it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly as f***, or you’re ugly as s***. It’s about talking to women, and I know how to do that because I observe, because I am a novelist.
Andy Stitzer: What? You never told me that before.
Cal: That’s because I’m not an arrogant prick, Andy.

Let’s talk about how judgmental I am. Or observant, depending on your take of the situation (I like you already, People Who Think I’m Just Overly Observant).

Match.com has made me come face-to-face with something I already sort-of grapple with on a daily basis- the snap judgment.

I’m not proud of this aspect of my personality. Nobody, including me, likes to think that they can be sized up completely based on a few random observations. It can make me catty and mean. It can make me WRONG. Oh, so wrong. So wrong that I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and be comforted by no one but my wrongness.

Usually, though, I happen to be right. And those moments of rightness just spur me on. And so, the cycle continues.

Last night, I posed a question to my Facebook page. Namely, is it wrong to dismiss a guy you’ve been talking to because of his frequent use/misuse of LOL. And exclamation points.

Out of roughly fifteen comments, half of them said “Yes” and the other half said “Ditch him. LOL!” (Basically. I worded the question wrong so I spent thirty minutes deciphering what the “Yes” and “No’s” meant) And now I’m more unsure than ever.

Other things that have made me want to run in the other direction, in the week that I’ve been doing this online dating exercise:

- A hefty guy who goes on and on about how he wants a “healthy” girl. Technically, I’m an extremely healthy size 9. Technically, he is NOT. Is it wrong to say, “See ya”?

- Writes sonnets. Plays guitar. Would play guitar TO ME.

- Badly worded sentences, makes me think English might be his second language. Then see “born and raised in Illinois.” Some people are just not word-happy. Is that so wrong? (Yes. No. I don’t know. My head hurts.)

- Doesn’t watch TV. Is that really that big of a deal? (Yes. Oh God. WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME?)

- Is young and divorced. I really didn’t know what to make of this one.

I don’t even know where to leave this post. Except to say that the list goes on and on. And I know we joke about “dealbreakers” but what if we’re too dealbreaker-happy? What if I’m too dealbreaker-happy, so worried about another classic case of Fruit Blindness?

Oh, help. Help, help, help.

— One thing I’m not unsure about- Dear Straight Men, if you are on a dating site like this, do NOT take a picture of yourself with your camera in a darkened room. You ALL look like murderers. I don’t care if your mom is on the couch in the corner, cuddling puppies with a rainbow shooting out of her face. You look like you want to eat my insides with an oaky Chianti. —

 

 

5 Things

5 Things They Don’t Tell You About Writing Novels

1. It is far too easy to give up. The rigors of work, the possibilities for a richer, more fantastical personal life, the opportunity to close your eyes for a few hours… writing is far too easy to give up.

2. The hardest part about a rejection letter is getting one right before you’re about to start writing for the day. Sometimes, it makes it harder and sometimes, it makes it easier.

3. No, actually, the hardest part about a rejection letter isn’t the rejection you get from the form letter you sent. It’s the one for the first few chapters you sent. The letter you sent is no longer to blame. I imagine the letter after someone’s read your whole manuscript would be even tougher to bear. So far, I haven’t had the pleasure.

4. Some of your friends, no matter how much they love you, won’t want to read your book. Don’t push. You have to be ok with that.

5. This last one I’ll leave you to find out for yourself. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.

The View from Here

28: A Still Life

Calcium chew, multi-vitamin and aspirin for caffeine deficiency/hangover. All that’s missing is the handful of mini-Milky Ways that I had for breakfast.

“They Win Halloween”

Halloween makes me cranky.

I’m sorry but it does. Some of my negative feelings toward the Day O’ Candy & Mirth are personal (at the tender age of 12, we moved from New York to Boston on Halloween Day. I think ‘wrenching’ would be an adequate word for my feelings about that particular Halloween) and others- well, the blame belongs to the masses. Basically, anything you find at a store called “The Spirit of Halloween”, plastic masks, “sexy pirate” costumes, the racks and racks of unoriginal, uninspired ideas. Cheap, cheap, cheap. That’s what makes me especially cranky about Halloween. I feel like my mother when I used to complain there wasn’t a Kids Day. “Every day is Kids’ Day,” the patented response. Well, every day is “Unoriginal Day.” Can’t you put in a little effort?

But. BUT. It had never occurred to me before that, just like discounted candy and costumed-walk-of-shame stories, the best of Halloween can be found after-the-fact. Like this.

From Towleroad

And these- lovingly, achingly handmade by Wood over at Sweet Juniper for her munchinkins. “What a cute owl” doesn’t cut it, indeed. These are incredible. I want Martha Stewart to call her and say, “Props, my dear.” And I hope she records such a call so I can hear Martha Stewart say “Props” before I die.

Any other cute ones you’ve seen? I’m talking cute like “Will restore Judi’s faith in Halloween” cute. Link in the comments if you’ve got one and I’ll add it here. We’ll have ourselves a little Best Of gallery. Or we’ll stick with ogling these three, I’m ok with that too.

Oh, well, ok maybe ONE more. Since you asked so nicely.

Joan from MadMen, with a special appearance from Dog Draper.